if i ventured in the slipstream

i have been feeling very alive. last week as we swung with megan and jason in a park in easthampton, the lightning began. then came the rain. we flew off the swings as quickly as possible and started running through the dark woods. then came the fireworks. behind us, a rumbling rush and flashes of light. we made it back onto the field and plopped down in front of everyone in the wet grass, watching the rest of the fireworks light the sky.

at home, on megan and jason's porch, we set up a disco ball and danced our hearts out to pay our respects to michael. their house is right near the park, so tons of people were parked in the neighborhood. they drove by the house and watched us put on a show, likely thinking we were intoxicated or worse. we smiled and waved american flags, not giving a fuck. we dubbed their porch "club rain." we plan to open a "club sunshine" sometime in the future.

this week, breakfast with caroline at the wonderful 3hree café. great expired television with ryan. writing poetry on breaks at work. a stormy, soaking hike in northampton. the new woody allen film, whatever works (which was purely delightful, by the way), at pleasant street theater. rock band with megan and jason. tons of great, homemade food. and today, a day of incredible arousal since the moment i woke up: a sexless sexual dream about an old internet friend, prefab sprout on the ride to easthampton, frustration at work, a funny conversation with julie, watching the foo fighters stream live from the white house, a refreshing shower, a clear mind.

sometimes i want to tell everyone how much i love them. this is one of those times.

moonlight scatters torn out souls
they slip through windows in the cold
dark winter nights and say
please oh please don't go away
please yes please come again some day
;
my eyes opened just to find
a skin-searching pantomime
who crawled through my sheets and through my sighs
and tore my love out--oh rewind

we marched through daylight's foggy lock
and found the other soaked in sweat
though in thick air we were unseen
we knew for once what we had caught
the tumorous street musician growled
a song of love, a song of spoil
as you coiled in and then recoiled
my arms grew weary from their firm hold

but yes, in my bed we danced
we loved ourselves all in a trance
then sang through silent breaths and hands
and turned to windows lustful and
the life breathing all within
drew our sinking souls to sing
songs of love and songs of spoil
;
we lied there dreaming of the soil,
the days that we could give away
lost to the forest and its timeless haze

i've been thinking about writing plays. for myself this time, rather than for school. i put a lot of care into my assignments, but something different comes out of me if i know that i won't be graded. there's this freedom, this ability to do exactly what i want to do. basically, i've never written a play outside of school. and in a way, i think it is what impresses me the most -- the idea of theater. i love the idea that i could take control of the entire situation: the lighting, the music, the pacing, the words coming out of actors' mouths. it's really fascinating. i have a lot of ideas, but none of them are as solid as i would like them to be.

i feel strangely disconnected from everything lately, sort of like i did in high school. i see people, i talk to them, i listen, i do things, but there's this strange sense that i'm not entirely there. i'm probably i'm the only one who notices. it's just that i feel really lost inside my head. i'm thinking too much. i have all of these grandiose plans that i am not fulfilling, which means that they're simply taking up too much space in my head.

and elvis costello. him, too. i'm doing this silly personal elvis costello retrospective where i listen to every single one of his albums in consecutive order, and it's super wonderful, but the music is sort of possessing me.

i need to figure this out.

jared and i are waking up before 7 am tomorrow in an effort to win tickets to a private elvis costello show in new york city on an unannounced date. if we win, we're going, no matter what we may have had planned for that day. i'm super nervous. i want it so bad. we haven't seen elvis since december 2007, which is too long for me. if we had the opportunity to meet him, i don't even know what i'd do. there is no one who inspires me more than elvis and woody allen, but for some reason, i feel i could retain my composure better in woody's presence. i'm scared and i want it so bad! and i don't want to want it so bad because it's a fucking contest. help.

time seems to have sped up. already it's almost june, almost time to pick classes, almost time to send in my medical forms, almost time to start school, and definitely time to start freaking out. what happened? how did everything happen so quickly? i feel like the days have just been slipping away between long talks with ken and at-home french lessons and little trips to various towns in the valley. what's going on? suddenly i'm really confused and a little awestruck. how am i going to get things done?

honestly, i haven't even really looked at these course listings. all i know is i haven't taken the placement exams yet because i'm scared of them. i know i'm not ready for anything but a beginners' course in french, which is fine because i don't want to be in over my head; i'm just brushing up a bit so i stay afloat. with math, though, it's another story. i don't remember anything. like, at all. and it makes me feel like an idiot because i was in honors math classes in high school, and i actually did fairly well. it's just that i don't remember any of the formulas, and it's been years, and i don't even know where to begin to study. or if i even should. but i'm guessing i should... i don't want to end up having to take like three classes just to get to where i should be. it's awful. anyway, enough about that.

julie's in italy, which is amazing, but now i'm all like, "where's julie?" and wanting to see her every second of the day. "don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?" haha, just kidding. i knew i loved julie. it's just crazy she's going to be gone for most of the summer. we'll have to find a new swimming partner. maybe matt will come with us. yeah, that sounds good.

jared still doesn't have a job, which doesn't come as any sort of surprise, but it still sucks. i'm afraid we won't be able to do any of the things we really want to do this summer (see elvis costello and tori, go to the beach for a few days, etc.), which bums me out. instead i will be trying to get all my mount holyoke stuff together, get my health in tip top shape (like, keep avoiding all fast foods and sodas and cook meals for ourselves most of the time; exercise; get a grip on myself when i start to worry about things that cannot be helped), and do some writing to keep my mind working.

basically, i'm conflicted. i want things to slow down and i want everything to start.

tori's singing about neil gaiman again. it's cute. i can't form much of an opinion on the new album yet, but i think i like it. this song that just started is amazing. holy shit.

anyway, i haven't been writing much recently because i've been spending all my free time with the people i love. since we returned from texas, we've been hanging out with people nearly every day/night. i work in the afternoons, laugh until my throat burns in the evenings. life is good; difficult, but good. i'm getting more and more anxious for the fall semester.

i've been thinking about risk-taking. the idea of it in general. of changing my mind in college, of deciding to do something entirely different, of writing plays, of getting involved in theater, of writing teleplays and taking an internship somewhere i would never choose to live. i know that in these next two years, i need to take a chance on something i would normally shrug off. i feel like there is something i'm not seeing.

today was supposed to be all about pleasing myself in ways i rarely get to please myself these days, by staying inside and doing nothing, and by doing nothing i mean learning french, reading crime and punishment, bathing, cooking, watching the season finale of top model, showering, and watching a movie.

instead my dad decided to cook. we had hamburgers when we would have had curried red lentils and swiss chard. then grandma sent me to withdraw money she didn't even need today from the ATM and buy a huge bag of tea candles, even though she bought a huge bag of tea candles a month or two ago. i never see her lighting these candles. i'm perplexed to say the least... and vexed, because i had no intention of leaving the house today.

x. seeing people i love everyday.
x. working nearly everyday and seeing people i love there, too.
x. learning french through rosetta stone. we're still in the early stages, but we're plugging away.
x. still reading crime and punishment (i've had very little free time lately - well, not counting what i spend with friends - so i've only been reading in the bath or on breaks from work) and still loving it.
x. thinking constantly about novel ideas: one that's super exciting to me but would probably alienate/frustrate the audience, and one that's not as exciting to me that people might actually like.
x. talking to the beautiful brian molko (of placebo) and the unbelievable marshall herskovitz (co-creator of thirtysomething, my so-called life, and once and again) on facebook.
x. writing my first song ever, which needs some serious work and better lyrics.
x. "i'm a motherlover, you're a motherlover. we should fuck each other's mothers, we should fuck each other's moms..."
x. listening to lots of green day because of their surprisingly great new album, 21st century breakdown.
x. jared learning how to bake lots of stuff: bagels, flour tortillas, corn tortillas, breads, etc.
x. cutting fast food and soda entirely.
x. finishing millennium and rewatching twin peaks.
x. lots and lots of cheers. we're on season two, so frasier will be joining the show soon. i'm quite excited.


hmm, my life is pretty silly, but i like it that way.

starting today off with a headache, apparently. my sleep schedule has been erratic, and i can't help it because i'm still trying to make up for lost sleep, but i have had to work early the past two mornings. jackson's been waking us up super early every day, too. i think he just misses us, but it's driving me crazy. petting him doesn't help. he just keeps walking back and forth across us and staring at me while i try to sleep. i leave for work again in fifteen minutes. at least i have tomorrow off.

i've been feeling a strange mixture of emotions lately: excitement for this upcoming fall and continuing school at mount holyoke, and something almost like resentment for having to wait and go to work nearly every day in the meantime. i feel spoiled, but i don't know what to do about it. i just feel like i should be able to read a bunch of books and write and brush up on my french before starting, but instead life is exactly the same and will remain that way. eh, i don't know. i'm probably just anxious about leaving for work today because i have such a bad headache.

i guess i'll have some juice.

funny how when i actually have things to write about, i have no time to write. this week is vampire weekend/MHC accepted students day/rufus wainwright/texas week, and i am busy, to say the least. excited, though. things are going well.

ken's wife, ruth, has been by the manhan several times to work on her bear fest bear, which is always fun. people have been taking pictures. work has been laid back yet busy. spring is in the air. a few days ago, we got to hang out with cora, adam, and lora, and i hadn't seen any of them in quite a while, so it was super special. we basically just talked, but it was a satisfying night. we'll have the full-out dinner/game night in a couple of months.

the other day, jared and i picked outfits for his mother's wedding. we put on a mini fashion show. i came up with three ensembles, but one of them won out (i liked one other one better, but jared didn't like it, and vice versa). it'll be fun dressing up and being in somewhat formal mode; i haven't done that in a while. today i wasn't wearing underwear at work, but that's another story altogether.

it's time to start packing, but instead i'm listening to the chili peppers and drinking a café au lait. i am lazy when i have things to do.